A second child: I couldn’t get pregnant, could I?

Everything we wish for. A second child. We agreed on what month we were going to “try”. Because I had abdominal pain and had been in the hospital many times before for problems with my uterus, I got an ultrasound.

I went into the hospital carefree, but came out with more than 100 concerns. A cyst, a niche (a kind of ‘notch in my uterus created by a previous cesarean), an ongoing cycle and 35 years old. They were talking about surgery in Amsterdam. And I was referred to another hospital to start a fertility program. Everything I didn’t expect, but happy with all the help I got.

As far as I could, I tried to prepare myself for something I didn’t want. We filled out the paperwork to get started. I would love to have another baby, but this way, you don’t wish that on anyone.

Luck was on our side

Just before the start of the fertility program I had an off-day. I did not want this at all. I hadn’t had my period for a while but the ultrasound showed no embryo, so I wasn’t pregnant. I decided to test anyway, because ‘hey’ that 0.00001% they missed something, I could take my chances, right?

Test positive.

Disbelief. Tears. Happiness. Uncertainty. How?

Immediately I called. I wanted an ultrasound. Right now.

Luck was on our side. Good news. There really was an embryo!

A double feeling

Tremendously happy. But also that other feeling: ashamed. I couldn’t get pregnant, could I? 

I spoke with fellow mothers that couldn’t get pregnant, but it turned out I was not one of them at all. Close to me there are several mothers in the fertility process. It feels wrong and good at the same time. Because it was not possible, but now I am pregnant, and now I feel guilty. Logical, but also not. I have done nothing wrong, a miracle happened to me.

I am grateful, relieved. For the journey that I was spared. That it is granted to us once more. Another baby.

I realize all too well how painful this can be for other women. Close to me there are several (wish)mothers in the process. And towards them it feels unfair.

This is my last pregnancy. And I may grant myself just as much as anyone else. Enjoy it. Enjoy the little miracle that I carry with me.

Dear mothers, I’m wishing so hard that you get that desired baby. Because it is the most beautiful thing there is. And we all deserve it. You and me.